Relationship specialist James Bauer coined the term in his book His Secret Obsession. Bauer claims that all men have a biological drive to earn your love in order to feel in love with you. Men want to feel that you appreciate and need them. If you make sure that he feels that from you, it’ll boost his confidence, increase his connection with you, and ultimately, make him more excited to commit to your relationship
Get a copy of Bauer’s book or take his relationship course at hissecretobsession.com
1 Ask him for help.
Whether it’s something big or small, men love the opportunity to come to your rescue! Recruit him to help you open a jar, study for an exam, or practice your elevator pitch. Ask him for his advice when you have a dilemma.
2. Tell him what you need.
Your partner can’t read your mind, so you’ve got to be clear and direct. Let him know what he can do for you—doing it will actually provide pleasure for him! Talk about what kind of things make you feel happy and fulfilled in a relationship, from chore division to intimacy.
4. Tell him how happy he makes you.
Guys want to know that they make their partner feel happy and fulfilled. According to Bauer, they have a biological need to please their partner. When he buys you flowers, makes you dinner, or does something sweet, take the opportunity to tell him how much he means to you. Look him in the eyes, hold his hand, and say:
5. Give him compliments and praise.
Whenever you think something nice about him, say it out loud. Are you digging his new haircut? Do you love that he can carry all the groceries into the house in one trip? Tell him! Taking the time to compliment him will make him feel good about himself as well as his relationship with you.
6. Show your appreciation for him.
There are many ways you can express gratitude to your partner in your daily life. Offer him help with a difficult or tedious task. Give him a thoughtful gift, whether that’s an object or an experience. Make him feel truly heard and understood when he talks to you. Showing your appreciation helps him feel valued in the relationship.
7. Encourage him.
Show your support for your partner by always being in his corner. Help him reach his goals by telling him you believe in him and encouraging him to focus on the positive aspects rather than getting derailed by obstacles. Offer your help and advice, and be there if and when he wants your input. Be there for him and he’ll want to be there for you, too.
8. Give him your undivided attention.
Whether your man wants to chit-chat or needs to vent, take the time to truly listen. Put aside your phone, other distractions, and your own agenda. Be present in the moment, make eye contact, and pay attention to his body language as well as what he’s saying. Feeling heard, understood, and validated by you will make him all the more attracted to you.
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9. Show him respect.
Even if you disagree with his opinions or choices, don’t put them down. Be considerate of his feelings, time, privacy, and boundaries. If he feels like he can be himself without being judged and that you’ll give him space when he needs it, he’ll be more likely to commit to the relationship.
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10. Appeal to his love language.
Show your partner love in the way that is most meaningful to him. He might appreciate getting gifts, spending quality time together, physical touch, words of affirmation, or acts of service. When he feels loved, he’ll be more confident in himself and in your relationship.
11. Be enthusiastic.
Showing interest in your man, whether he’s talking about his work day or showing you something related to his hobbies, helps him feel desired. It’s especially important to show enthusiasm in the bedroom. Men appreciate a partner who’s excited about and into sex.
By appealing to a man’s needs, you help him feel fulfilled.
Activating your man’s hero instinct makes him feel needed and gives him a clear role to play in your relationship. If he feels irreplaceable to you, he’s more likely to commit to the relationship. Plus, if he knows you are happy and fulfilled, he’s more likely to be happy and fulfilled as well.
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